Sunbeams!

Dear Theodore,

Oh boy, you are getting so big! Last Saturday I randomly read the post I wrote to you about your blessing day. In it I talked about primary and I thought about how much time has passed and how much I wish on your blessing day I could have looked forward three years and 2 months to see me as your Sunbeam teacher. That's right kid, I get to be your Sunbeam teacher! I am so excited. And, a little relieved because I don't have to deal with trying to get you to go to class with someone else. You finally started to love nursery, like really LOVE it and I am sad for you that it is over. You're so young to leave nursery. I mean you just turned three six weeks ago. You don't seem ready for Sunbeams to me and truthfully I wish you were still in a room full of toys instead of sitting in a classroom. But I promise I will try to make it enjoyable. And I will be patient and loving with you. (Your first day of class, this last Sunday, you were a cat for most of class. You are a cat for much of your life these days and I adore it, but that's a topic for a different post.) I am excited to see you grow this year at church. But mostly I am just excited that I get to spend an extra hour each week with you. I love you Mr Rores!!!

Love, Mama

Walking!

Hey baby boy! You are finally walking! You have been doing it for a week now and you are great at it. I love when babies first learn to walk. I love when they are in the stage you are in, when they still have to think about it and it isn't automatic yet. I love watching you! Every time I see you stand up and walk it takes me by surprise as if you are doing it for the first time and my heart melts. I have some mama guilt that it took you this long to walk. Several months ago you went through a phase when you really wanted to stand up all the time. And I'm sure walking would have followed. But I was busy and overwhelmed so I would help you to sit instead of stand. Eventually you lost interest. And then when I would try to help you stand you just preferred to sit or crawl. Oh the mam guilt! I mean, I know its okay that you didn't walk until you were 14 months old. I don't feel bad about that. But I do feel bad that I didn't respond to your cues and that I let me need to not have the time to help you stand take over precedence over your desire to learn a new skill. Sorry baby. I keep trying and I think we will make it in the end after all.

There are so many things I adore about you. I love your smile. I love it! I love when you snuggle in to my shoulder. I love how you just seem to feel cool when I or daddy carry you around with us where ever we are going. I love how you like to take baths and head straight to the bathtub whenever I ask if you want to take a bath. But I think my favorite thing right now is how awesome you are at welcoming me home. When I open the door I can hear you giggling and I hear the giggles get closer and closer. Its pure joy. As soon as you hear the garage door open you start making your way to the stairs and down to greet me or daddy, whoever has been missing. It makes me so happy every time! I could be stressed or sad or annoyed or whatever but then I hear your giggle coming to greet me and it all surrenders to the love I have for you. Speaking of this, I think you have equal love for me and daddy right now. But when you were smaller that was not the case. You were for daddy all the way. As soon as you would hear the garage door open I would see a look cross your face. And then you would scootch or crawl across the floor to greet daddy. I didn't get the same warm reception. Now I do. And I am so grateful!

I love you with all my heart Teddy boy!!!!

Love,
Mama

Blessing Day

Dear Theodore,

Yesterday was your blessing day. It was such a beautiful day! I got teary each time I would think about what we were celebrating that day. You. Beautiful, wonderful you. My parents and aunt Gwenna came out on Saturday and stayed with us. Its always nice to have them in our home. And grandpa took us all to dinner. Chuckarama of course. Gwenna and I stayed up late talking and working on your sweater. I didn't get it done. If you look closely at your pictures some day you will notice that the sleaves are short and not finished. But you looked adorable in it. And I didn't get a gown sewn for you either, which I felt really bad about yesterday, but today I just keep thinking about you and that sweater and I feel at peace. You wore an adorable blue romper that I think was a hand me down from somewhere. And I wrapped you in a blue blanket that I knit for you. I swaddled you and rocked you to sleep right before I handed you to your daddy for the blessing. You slept right through the whole thing, and woke up just as it was ending. You were so quiet and it was peaceful. The blessing was beautiful. I felt like I should write it down and I took notes as best I could while also trying to pacify your little big sister Stela who was sleep deprived and struggling to hold things together after the late night of partying with family the night before. I didn't get it all down, and I don't remember the details, but here is what I held on to:



After the blessing I bore my testimony. As I said, all morning I had gotten teary whenever I stopped to really think about the day. I just felt so blessed. I don't often have quiet moments to rock you but that morning I did. And as I rocked you we said a prayer together that the day would be good, that daddy would be calm and confident and be able to bless you with the what The Spirit directed him to say. And I prayed, as silly as it is, that if your name wasn't supposed to be Theodore for some reason that God would let daddy know and he would give you another name. And I thanked God for you and my family and the gospel. And I cried because as I rocked you and prayed all those things I felt so lucky and blessed. So when I bore my testimony as talked about how some of my biggest blessings were all being highlighted that day. I have my wonderful family of origin. My parents who raised me in love and sacrificed so much to give me all they could. My siblings (and their families) who are so awesome and supportive. My parents and my siblings, they always show up.  I love that. And I have my own little family that I thought I might never have. Me and your dad have been married for 6 years and we have 4 kids. Sometimes I can't figure out how it all happened so fast, but I am so grateful that it did. I was single for so long and I didn't know if I would ever have kids, which broke my hear. And now I have four! I love each of you so much and I am so grateful I have you. And I have the gospel of Jesus Christ and I am part of an amazing church. To be honest, I struggle with some parts of the church. But I am so grateful I have it. It is central to my life and has blessed me in so many ways. And I am so grateful I have it as a guide and a support to help me raise you. When I think about the responsibility raising children is it can be overwhelming. But the church really helps. And they have the primary program which is wonderful. I am a teacher in primary right now and it has really made me appreciate the program. It is a sacrifice for the presidency and the teachers and the pianist and chorister to plan lessons and and organize everything. But they do it. I'm grateful I belong to a church that values children so much that they created a program specifically for them. One of my favorite parts about being in primary is that I get to watch Max and Maggie in there and I love it! I would love if I get to watch you in there when you are old enough for Primary. And then in my testimony I talked about a blessing that your aunt Darsha had. I'm not really sure why I talked about it, but it came to me and I did. You had an amazing aunt Joydell who died a few years ago. It breaks my heart that I didn't get to see the two of you together on this Earth. I imagine sometimes how she would have gushed over how adorable you are and laughed with me as I talk about you. I can't believe she is gone and I miss her so much. And sometimes I think when the family is all together that she is there too. And maybe that is why I thought about that blessing. Darsha received the blessing a few months before Aunt JuJu passed away. She was having a hard time with it as we all were. And in addition uncle Harold was doing some risky flying assignments with the Army and cousin Logan was having health problems. The blessing said that Harold flew with angels. And that people on the other side were aware of what we were going through and that they were busy getting things ready to welcome Joydell home. I wish I knew more about the other side. I wonder what exactly they needed to get ready. What does it look like to welcome someone home to Heaven? I believe in life after death and that I will see Joydell and other loved ones again. But sometimes it all feels kind of vague. The thought that they were busy getting things ready for her is so intriguing and comforting to me. And the thought of Harold flying with angels makes the veil seem so thin. And it intrigues me and comforts me to think that spirits on the other side are invested in our well being.  If they are flying with Harold then I imagine they are also walking with me through my daily life. And hopefully they are helping me to be a good mom for you. I was so sad to say goodbye to Joydell. I really wanted her to stay here. It hurts to miss her and I wish I could see her. I like thinking about her still being with me, even though I can't see her. I believe that our loved ones that pass away become our guardian angels. And I just can't imagine anyone having a better guardian angel than Joydell. I feel so lucky to be someone that she would want to watch over. And I know that she is now watching over you too. You are so lucky! And I like to think that the two of you met and talked before you came down, but I don't really know how things work over there so I don't know if that really happened or not. But I do know that I will be able to be with both of you together someday and I love that thought!

After church everyone came back to our house for dinner. I'm glad we have a house where we can host everyone for dinner. We couldn't do that for Max and Maggie and Stella in our condo so we always had to go somewhere else. Our house isn't so big but it is big enough. And I love a house that is crowded with friends and family. The weather has been so beautiful and as I was getting ready for your blessing I kept looking at the weather forecast and it showed sunshine for every day but your blessing day. That day is showed a rain cloud. With a chance of snow. "Of all the days!" I kept saying. And it did rain. The wind blew like crazy that morning. And it rained and rained. And then after church the rain stopped, the wind calmed and the sun came out! It only lasted a couple of hours but it was the most perfect timing! The kids were able to run and play outside and some people ate on the deck and it made my heart so happy to be able to use our outside space. And then the clouds came back and it rained and it hailed and it snowed. But we had those two hours of outside time and sunshine and I was so grateful.

Your blessing day was a beautiful day. I love how a baby brings family together. I love how my family comes together. I love that I have you and that I had a day to help me remember how incredibly wonderful and amazing that is. I love you kid. You get sweeter every day and I am so attached to you that my heart wants to burst every time I see your face. "He's so cute!" I say a million times a day. "I love him!" always follows. I'm still getting used to having you around. I am used to having 3 kids and sometimes I see you and it is almost like I am seeing you for the first time and I have a moment of shock that I have 4 kids now and my heart almost bursts with joy and gratitude that I get to have you too in addition to the other 3 I love so much. I am one lucky mama!

I love you Teddy bear! Thanks for being mine.

Love,
Mama

Dear Max, Maggie, Stela and Baby Boy,

Two weeks ago your aunt Darsha called me in tears. Something bad had happened. She didn't know what to do. She was scared and sad. I talked her through as best I could and told her to call her friend who lives a few houses away to come be with her. She did. And then they called another friend. It was so hard for me to be so far away at that moment. All I wanted to do was to be with her. I almost jumped in the car, but it is a 10 hour drive and didn't seem smart. So I looked up airline tickets. And I called your aunt Gwenna. She got in the car right away and headed to our house. I called Darsha to let her know that I told Gwenna. And that we were coming first thing in the morning. I thought she might tell me not to come, that she would be okay. But she didn't. She said okay. And then she told her friends, "It's my sisters. They are coming in the morning." It took me back to another time. When your aunt Joydell called me to tell me that she had a bad reaction to the new experimental chemo medication. And a team was coming the next day to talk to her about her options. I knew before she did that it was the palliative care team and they were coming to talk to her about stopping treatment. Again, I hated to be so far away. For so long she had told us she was okay and she didn't need us to come. I told her I would make some calls and I called Darsha and Gwenna to coordinate when we could come. I told her two of us would be there in 4 days and one would come the next week. When she replied, "That long?" I got on the computer and booked tickets and Gwenna and I flew out the next day.

My beautiful kids, I think the greatest gift I have given and will ever give any of you is each other. Family is everything. Darsha and Joydell both have/had lots of friends. They weren't alone. But at times like that what you really want and need is family. I pray that you will each be blessed with friends that are like family. You need those too. And they will be a great blessing in your life. But nothing really replaces family. And I pray that if or when one of you gets into a bad situation or has tragedy strike that your first call will be to one of the others. And that the other three of you will be on the next flight out to be there. If I can raise you to be friends, best friends, and to support each other, so your first phone call is to each other, and so when you get that call you want nothing more than to drop everything and be on the next flight out, then I will have succeeded as a mom. Because I will have given you the greatest gift you could possibly have.

I called my mom from Darsha's house and she thanked me for being there with her. It felt wrong to be thanked. It was where I wanted to be. My reply to my mom was, "I love family". I do. And I pray that the four of you will too.

I love you guys!!!!! Love each other.

Love,
Mama   

Dear Baby,

I have been in baby girl mode for the last few years with your two sisters. Lately I have been seeing baby boy things that are helping me to switch gears. Yesterday I saw a little blanket on a bench that had black and white dogs on it with red bows. So sweet. And today I saw a little baby wearing red and grey striped pajamas. Adorable!

I'm looking forward to loving on you.

Love,
Mama

Dear Baby,

How are you doing? According to all my appointments you are doing great. I feel you move a lot and I love it. My body has been hurting a bit with this pregnancy, probably because I am getting older and also because my body has been through this a lot in the last 4 years. Sometimes during the day or night I just can't wait to lay down and rest and let the aches settle. During these times I have a fleeting thought that it will be great to not be pregnant anymore. But then immediately I take it back because I actually love the miracle of having a baby growing inside me. It is such a special time for a woman. And I am almost totally and completely certain that you are my last. And the thought of never experiencing this again makes me sad. So instead of wishing the time away I lay on my bed and rub my belly and enjoy the feeling have you moving and the wonder of who you are and will be. I love you baby boy! I admit that I am overwhelmed when I think about taking care of 4 kids. But I know that I am going to love having you so much. I know I will adore your sweet little face and body, your cries, your smiles, your warm breath on my neck as I rock you to sleep. I know that while it may be crazy I will cherish it all. So enjoy your time growing in my belly baby boy. I will meet you soon enough.

Love,
Mama

Dear Baby,

You are a boy!!!!! Your dad and Stela came with me to the ultrasound. As the doctor moved the ultrasound wand over my belly suddenly it came clearly on the screen and your dad exclaimed, "It's a boy?!" It was pretty obvious and the doctor smiled and confirmed that you are a boy. Two boys and two girls. How lucky are we? When I picked up Max and Maggie from the baby-sitter I told them that the doctor said that everything was good with you and you looked very healthy (which you do and which is the most exciting thing about all of this). Max and Maggie listened and nodded. About a minute later Max asked if the doctor mentioned if you were a girl or a boy. I told him that the doctor said you were a boy and he smiled as big as could be and said, "I knew it!". I hope that the two of you are the best brothers ever. In fact, I insist on it. And I think it is fun that Stela will have you the way Maggie has Max. I grew up mostly with my sisters because my brothers are so much older than me. And I love my sisters! Maybe because it is foreign to me it has been really fun to watch how close Max and Maggie are and the way they play together and sometimes come together on the extreme "boy things" and "girl things". I hope that you and Stela can have a similar friendship. Your brother and sisters are the best and you are so lucky to have them. And they will be lucky to have you.

Dear baby, as much as I feel happy that you are a boy and I got two of each, so everyone has a brother and a sister, the biggest thing I feel is peace. It just feels right. Like this is the family that we were meant to have. You will complete us. And we will love you so much! We already do.

Love,
Mama