Dear Max, Maggie, Stela and Baby Boy,

Two weeks ago your aunt Darsha called me in tears. Something bad had happened. She didn't know what to do. She was scared and sad. I talked her through as best I could and told her to call her friend who lives a few houses away to come be with her. She did. And then they called another friend. It was so hard for me to be so far away at that moment. All I wanted to do was to be with her. I almost jumped in the car, but it is a 10 hour drive and didn't seem smart. So I looked up airline tickets. And I called your aunt Gwenna. She got in the car right away and headed to our house. I called Darsha to let her know that I told Gwenna. And that we were coming first thing in the morning. I thought she might tell me not to come, that she would be okay. But she didn't. She said okay. And then she told her friends, "It's my sisters. They are coming in the morning." It took me back to another time. When your aunt Joydell called me to tell me that she had a bad reaction to the new experimental chemo medication. And a team was coming the next day to talk to her about her options. I knew before she did that it was the palliative care team and they were coming to talk to her about stopping treatment. Again, I hated to be so far away. For so long she had told us she was okay and she didn't need us to come. I told her I would make some calls and I called Darsha and Gwenna to coordinate when we could come. I told her two of us would be there in 4 days and one would come the next week. When she replied, "That long?" I got on the computer and booked tickets and Gwenna and I flew out the next day.

My beautiful kids, I think the greatest gift I have given and will ever give any of you is each other. Family is everything. Darsha and Joydell both have/had lots of friends. They weren't alone. But at times like that what you really want and need is family. I pray that you will each be blessed with friends that are like family. You need those too. And they will be a great blessing in your life. But nothing really replaces family. And I pray that if or when one of you gets into a bad situation or has tragedy strike that your first call will be to one of the others. And that the other three of you will be on the next flight out to be there. If I can raise you to be friends, best friends, and to support each other, so your first phone call is to each other, and so when you get that call you want nothing more than to drop everything and be on the next flight out, then I will have succeeded as a mom. Because I will have given you the greatest gift you could possibly have.

I called my mom from Darsha's house and she thanked me for being there with her. It felt wrong to be thanked. It was where I wanted to be. My reply to my mom was, "I love family". I do. And I pray that the four of you will too.

I love you guys!!!!! Love each other.

Love,
Mama   

Dear Baby,

I have been in baby girl mode for the last few years with your two sisters. Lately I have been seeing baby boy things that are helping me to switch gears. Yesterday I saw a little blanket on a bench that had black and white dogs on it with red bows. So sweet. And today I saw a little baby wearing red and grey striped pajamas. Adorable!

I'm looking forward to loving on you.

Love,
Mama

Dear Baby,

How are you doing? According to all my appointments you are doing great. I feel you move a lot and I love it. My body has been hurting a bit with this pregnancy, probably because I am getting older and also because my body has been through this a lot in the last 4 years. Sometimes during the day or night I just can't wait to lay down and rest and let the aches settle. During these times I have a fleeting thought that it will be great to not be pregnant anymore. But then immediately I take it back because I actually love the miracle of having a baby growing inside me. It is such a special time for a woman. And I am almost totally and completely certain that you are my last. And the thought of never experiencing this again makes me sad. So instead of wishing the time away I lay on my bed and rub my belly and enjoy the feeling have you moving and the wonder of who you are and will be. I love you baby boy! I admit that I am overwhelmed when I think about taking care of 4 kids. But I know that I am going to love having you so much. I know I will adore your sweet little face and body, your cries, your smiles, your warm breath on my neck as I rock you to sleep. I know that while it may be crazy I will cherish it all. So enjoy your time growing in my belly baby boy. I will meet you soon enough.

Love,
Mama

Dear Baby,

You are a boy!!!!! Your dad and Stela came with me to the ultrasound. As the doctor moved the ultrasound wand over my belly suddenly it came clearly on the screen and your dad exclaimed, "It's a boy?!" It was pretty obvious and the doctor smiled and confirmed that you are a boy. Two boys and two girls. How lucky are we? When I picked up Max and Maggie from the baby-sitter I told them that the doctor said that everything was good with you and you looked very healthy (which you do and which is the most exciting thing about all of this). Max and Maggie listened and nodded. About a minute later Max asked if the doctor mentioned if you were a girl or a boy. I told him that the doctor said you were a boy and he smiled as big as could be and said, "I knew it!". I hope that the two of you are the best brothers ever. In fact, I insist on it. And I think it is fun that Stela will have you the way Maggie has Max. I grew up mostly with my sisters because my brothers are so much older than me. And I love my sisters! Maybe because it is foreign to me it has been really fun to watch how close Max and Maggie are and the way they play together and sometimes come together on the extreme "boy things" and "girl things". I hope that you and Stela can have a similar friendship. Your brother and sisters are the best and you are so lucky to have them. And they will be lucky to have you.

Dear baby, as much as I feel happy that you are a boy and I got two of each, so everyone has a brother and a sister, the biggest thing I feel is peace. It just feels right. Like this is the family that we were meant to have. You will complete us. And we will love you so much! We already do.

Love,
Mama

Dear Baby,

Tomorrow I find out if you are a boy or a girl. I can't believe I am already 20 weeks pregnant with you. Over half-way to meeting you. I thought before I find out more about you I would take a moment to record your beginnings. I feel bad that I haven't written anything to you yet. I stay pretty busy with your three siblings and time to sit and write is hard to come by. But although I don't get to write much, I think about you a lot. And I already love you. Here is your story so far.

I was pretty sure I wanted a fourth baby. Actually, I would love to have a dozen more babies. I love being a mom. And I love the process of expecting a baby and meeting them for the first time and watching them grow. But logistically a dozen more babies isn't an option. I got a late start in the baby department so I have had limited time. And I have felt like I had to rush to get you all here. The older I get the more I worry about having babies. So with you I was torn between waiting a bit until Stela was older or maybe just being grateful for the three I had. I definitely wasn't ready to give up on a fourth, but I didn't feel ready to have another baby yet either, So I decided I would wait until Stela was a year and then think about it some more. I thought if I had one more I would like to have a summer baby and sneak it in just before I turned 40. So imagine my surprise when you showed up in March. Or actually February. I was in disbelief. And I waited several days before I got the courage up to take a pregnancy test. It was a lovely vision of four kids on a Christmas morning that got my excitement of the possibility up enough to take the test. You showed positive right away. I waited a few days before I told your dad. I bought a picture frame with space for 4 photos and put a picture of each of your siblings in it and left a spot blank for you. I gave it to your dad with a card that said, "You're a great dad. And I am a pretty good mom. Talk about four lucky kids." He was confused and it took him a while to process what I was telling him. I watched his face change as the recognition of the message came to him. At first he was stunned and in total disbelief. But with a little more time to warm up to it he became happy and excited. We are so excited to have you in our family!!! You have three awesome siblings and I think you are going to like being a part of them. I adore them and I know that I am going to adore you too.

You will be my last. It makes me sad to say it but I really think that I should be done having babies. I am so glad I got you! I'm glad you just made your way in without me and took away me having to stress about if I should go for it or not. Once I found out you were coming I was so happy to have you already on your way. I can feel you moving inside of me. It is such an awesome feeling. And I wonder so much about who you are. With your sister Stela I didn't find out if she was a boy or a girl until she was born. I loved that moment of finding out! But I didn't enjoy the pregnancy as much not knowing. With you I wasn't sure what to do. All of my pregnancy with Stela I was aware that I wasn't enjoying not knowing if she was a boy or a girl because I couldn't visualize her and plan. But then the moment of finding out was so great that I thought maybe it made it worth it. So with you I have been on the fence. But in the end I have decided that if you are going to be my last pregnancy I want to really enjoy it. And I think I will enjoy it most if I can visualize who you are and plan for you. So tomorrow I will find out. I really don't have any strong feelings either way. And I have pretty much been wrong in my weak guesses each time. I honestly can't think if which I would prefer more. I would love a boy to even the score, two boys and two girls. And it would also tie up the boy/girl grandkid ratio. I would love for Max to have a brother and for Maggie and Stela to have two. And I learned from having Max that I love raising a boy. But I also love the idea of sisters. I was blessed with 5 and so I think the more the better. And I adore Maggie and Stela and would love another girl in our family. So really, if I could choose I would choose one more of each. But we know that is not the case and lucky for me the choice of your gender is out of my control because I couldn't decide what I would want better anyway. I know from my last three babies that whatever you are I will mourn the loss of what you are not. It's normal. But then at the same time I will be so excited for whatever you are. And I know that whatever you are, you are perfect for our family. You are just what we need to complete us. We will love you like crazy! We already do.

Love,
Mama